Excellent piece. I recently saw a Gallup poll, I think, showing that men and women have similar loneliness, and it made me go hmmm. Your insight hits the nail on the head.
You make a lot of good points, Mona. I once read that when we’re lonely the person we most miss is our own true self. Works for me. When I am deeply in touch with my true self, I am rarely lonely.
I’m glad men are speaking up about their loneliness. We women have been given more freedom to express our vulnerability. Men were required to be more stoic. For years women’s magazines covered every facet of the female emotional experience. Not so long ago, men’s magazines were Penthouse and Playboy until Men’s Health hit the scene. There was also Esquire. Women have had more freedom to know their emotional selves.
Both men and women are lonely. Let’s listen to each other with respect and understanding.
Used to be that when women met, they sat across from each other to see each other and talk. Men sat side by side to watch the game or drink at a bar. Sounds like men are identifying a problem, the first step to finding a solution. Good for them.
The fundamental problem with modern phones and tech: it’s designed by smart men, like men are smart. But we’re not. Most of us are dumb and impulsive and immature. Especially around emotions, self-knowledge and sex. Phones, dating apps, porno, this live camera thing. It prays on dumb, regular men. The guys we used to call bachelors.
Even if they’re not boys anymore, they’re groomed as boys. These legions of dumb men are helpless prey and they treat the women they meet like shit because they’re all in their addictions and act like addicts do. The addiction is to sexual stimulation. These poor guys are your sons. And we blame them. This technology is anti-civilization and poison for most dumb straight men.
They’re not the problem. Human nature is not a problem. We recklessly let men (and boys!) become techno-porn addicts by the millions, all around the world, men (and boys!) at all levels of intelligence and maturity and malice. And we all want to insist (see: all media channels, psychology today, academia) insist the mainstreaming of porn doesn’t have consequences, or that they are unclear, when they are evident all around us.
The sex trafficking boom, rising domestic violence and public disorder, and negative sexual experiences and attitudes, the pornifying of the language and ideas of young men, people minimizing non-consenting AI “porn”, cartoon porn and fetishes are excused and normalized, sex-work” (ie. 50% trafficking and addiction) being work. As if honest, honourable men look at porn and pay for sex. Bullshit. As if ordinary women and men aren’t terrorized that any future partner has seen every porno on the internet. As if it’s fine for the blase perverts and stand-up comics and pundits to make a joke out of it. This cyber-sex and porno lure terrorizes parents and half the population, (especially young people) while empowering our worst impulses.
No media or journalistic outlet wants to touch this. That’s the problem. You cant be horrified at Gisele Picolt and child grooming and sextortion and also praise the people who sell porn to teens as a career. Like, half the women on Substack think making pornos on the internet is defensible. The technology used makes it predatory on teen boys going through puberty. Its insane. We are driving boys insane. They dont need this “entertainment”. Gross.
Where has the media been for 20 years? They are ideologically captured. By who? Not the patriarchy thats for sure, those old white guys want “porn” banned, even though they might have used it themselves. Its still evil. So who is pushing this being normal and blocking every attempt at device based age gating? There is no “porn” on Youtube. So google could block it with the touch of a button if they wanted to. Just like they do on Youtube. They just dgaf. Gross. Google and Apple and Pornhub and OF are literally evil.
Brian, I agree, porn is awful, like any other drug. But it works so well because it does respond to basic human nature and our constant need for 'more'.
Porn is one of many antidotes to man-hating feminism. There have been surveys that found that large numbers of men would rather stay home and watch porn than go out on a date
Frank if you are using porn as an antidote to perceived "man-hating feminism" you need serious help.
Real men do not perceive "man-hating feminism"
I suspect your problem is that you can't find somebody willing to go on a date with you. You can change that by changing your behaviours and making a little effort to be a decent person. It is not rocket science.
You just graduated from community college as the sole male with an associates degree in Feminist Men Bad Studies. The universe has a rock solid law that self-loathing male feminists are always exposed eventually as creeps who fake being an ally in order to try to get dates.
LOL that’s funny. I have been with 35 women. I vet them carefully. At the first sign of entitled princesshood - which is one aspect of feminism, I walk. We MRAs help other men find good women that also reject feminism and female entitlement. .
If you get prostate cancer, you will find that feminists in Congress made sure that there is vastly more funding for breast cancer than prostate cancer. That is one face of man-hating feminism. The feminists in Human Resources that openly discriminate against men is another aspect.
Hmm not sure how you end up there….feminism isn’t about hating men in fact, it isn’t about men at all. Women just want to have rights to their bodies and their own thoughts.
Until you walk in a woman’s shoes you have no idea what they go through. But when the majority of women are saying it maybe that has some basis in facts? Sorry we don’t have awareness for prostrate cancer. I support men getting the care they need. I can’t be an advocate for that since I’m not a man. Btw what’s wrong with a woman wanting to date a rich, attractive guy or expecting their date to pay if they were asked out?
Body: women are forced organ and tissue donors to their children, at great risk to health and life. Men are never forced to donate tissues or organs to anyone, even to prevent death. We won’t even force a man to donate a pint of blood to save his kid, even though blood donation is far less risky and invasive than the 40 weeks of a pregnancy
Men aren’t turned away from hospitals to bleed to death in the parking lot.
Looks like you call 'hating men' any small win women have, while ignoring the massive losses women suffer. All the feminine diseases that get ignored because they don't affect men, all the studies done exclusively on men, all the times when women's medical concerns are brushed off because they're just emotional. Typical misogyny.
You are really ODing on the victimhood, misandry, and androphobia you have been brainwashed with.
There is no way to get you to see the reality since you clutch your victimhood like Gollum clutches his "precious."
There's a fascinating phenomenon unfolding out there. If you follow social trends, you will have noticed a rising chorus of complaints from women wondering why men no longer chase them or even talk to them.
Two years ago, no one would have believed this could happen.
So, what happened?
Well, as someone put it the other day, men have finally realized how women have changed since the 1970s. Now we have narcistic, entitled little princess girlbosses who demand that men blow a minimum of $300 on them on the first date.
People can whine about porn, but everything triggers an equal and opposite reaction. We are now entering an era where men don't need women for sex with the advent of make-your-own-AI-girlfriend.
I'm old, real old, and was lucky enough to know strong intelligent and fair-minded women in my time. Today, I pity young men who have to deal with females whose minds have been poisoned by a toxic and utterly dishonest ideology.
The experiments were done on men, because men, not women, are human lab rats. “Massive losses”? Like what? There are 4 times more male suicides than female suicides, and men die at younger ages and in greater numbers from every major cause of death in the USA. Yet there are only offices for women’s health, but nothing for men’s health.
Sorry for misdirecting my anger about this at you. I honestly am learning how the internet works and I am so mad about this. I apologize Mona, sorry to spam you like that.
Thats the hook they use to weaponize it against teens and young men, yes. CSA. Sorry if I sound snarky. I need to find a funny or nice way to express myself on this dismal topic. Without bugging people. Hope you have a great night/day/week Thanks for replying : )
I think you've hit the nail on the head, Brian. We can't do all these things that condition boys and men to see women as sexual consumables at every turn, and then wonder why they see women as sexual consumables and lack healthy connections.
Your ant-male and anti-white-male bigotry are par for the course of feminists, Marxists and manginas.
If you get prostate cancer, you will learn that your feminist buddies in Congress made sure that there is 3 times more funding for breast cancer than prostate cancer.
There’s no “porn” on YouTube. Except that asmr lol but that softcore common sense distinction is a reasonable place to draw a line. Google could effectively are-gate porn at the device and user id level. They just don’t care to.
Thanks to the author. I am amazed more people don't see it: The male-female dynamic makes men watching women have sex inherently awful. Because of men’s inherent dominance/aggression and women’s inherent vulnerability, there is always terrifying potential for violence if sex is not loving. Which is what porno features. And its traumatic for boys to see women portrayed like this and appearing for all the world to love it. And in a sexual way that is totally mysterious to them. What a nightmare. It trains boys to hate women, to accept violating consent (theirs is), and to be voyeurs and tricks. It's so awful. Its's CSA of the boy consuming. (Or girl, but boys are wired, brains hacked).
Brian, I applaud you for highlighting the danger of this serious problem. We need more men like you speaking up. Honestly, this is such a huge problem and one that I know so little about that I have very little constructive observations to offer except to thank you for speaking up. The end result is awful for men and women, and the problem so pervasive that the implications for the next generations are truly frightening. I found all of your posts to be respectful. And of course, this practice of watching porn feeds into male loneliness .You have some very good ideas about how this problem can be addressed.
We talk a lot about consent when referring to women. When under age boys have access to porn sites,, are they mature enough to consent to what they are about to see?
Thank you very much for your comments. I hope enough people are aware of the dangers so that something will be done about this serious problem.
I agree that women shouldn’t have to settle for men that suck, and I have no desire to see us return to that norm. The idea that men have to be the breadwinner needs to be retired, as the trend of women being better in academics/white collar work isn’t going anywhere.
But what is the solution to this loneliness/matching problem? Since uplifting men’s economic value is not realistic nor desirable, social and communal value is the best path forward. My theory is that the average woman would prefer to marry a man who is passionate about helping others and involved in their community to a man who sucks but makes a “good” income.
Culturally and politically we should encourage men to participate in community building activities, where currently these are seen as “female-coded” and it is uncommon for men (especially single men) to participate. A political push to bring men into teaching, social work, or volunteering could be a start (think something like women in stem), but it’s also on us as a culture to not raise our eyebrows when a man wants to be a kindergarten teacher.
I’m sure there are better ways to update our antiquated notion of a man’s value (economic) to a more holistic and helpful (social or communal), but curious what others think.
Ian, you're spot on! Men need to step down as providers and embrace more diverse roles, especially those that involve soft skills and nurturing qualities. Your theory is absolutely right - most modern women would love a kind man rather than a rich man.
It will take a while for society to get there, but we'll have to, because with the current economy, it's impossible to have men as sole providers.
Agee, it isn't fruitful to blame women for being better at academics and white collar work.
The solution is to have men understand why they fail at these things ... it is to some extent by choice and culture. They are brought up to look down on education and so they fail at it. There is no reason why they ought to, they just do it to themselves and let it be done to them. (And they will get very angry if you tell them they're letting somebody control them.)
Your points are good. I just think a good start is removing the indoctrination that holds men back.
I think men building community is a pipe dream at this point. That is traditional thinking. I don't think the average man sees any incentives in that. What is the reward in participating in community building activities? I think men used to participate in community building activities without encouragement from anyone. Let's properly interpret what men not participating in community building activities mean. Look at the black community in the U.S. and you can see where this train goes.
"Men need to be needed because they have no idea how to make themselves wanted."
This the catastrophe of the matter. Men don't know how to handle their own emotions so they rely on women to do that but their ego steps in as control demanding what they want from women.
What we need is to tear down everything men know about their masculinity. That will save all of us the burden of dealing with male entitlement and their subsequent abuses.
When ever I’ve come across content about male loneliness the guidance has always been spend more time with other men and stop relying on your wife for everything.
It interesting seeing that some people think repressing women is the answer because it’s not something I personally come across.
This is so smart. The way it’s put I concur. The mistake I made with my late husband and didn’t find out until he died was not maintaining personal friendships. We did at first—game nights and regular cook outs and cocktails and dinners out and shows with a couple of other couples, but then we had kids…and then we had death, and I had one friend who had four of her own at that point, then a pandemic, so I was totally alone. Then she and I had a falling out because she was so rigid and judgmental about some things I was dealing with, and I was lonely AF. I was dating someone, but that was a punishment in so many ways. But yeah—it’s healthy to maintain friendships and to also be present and attentive with your person. And to encourage their healthy friendships.
I agree that it’s not a man / woman issue—it’s just human nature. How we feel about it and if we look at us or others and go—why is this happening? I knew I wanted someone, so I’ve been working on me to be the kind of person to attract and be worthy of the person I want. I had a good marriage and a terrible long relationship. I figured out what the binding agent is. It’s you—it’s you doing the work. And I’d love to tell any man or woman who I’ve talked to about such things that they NEED to stop saying shit that ex did “this is who I am. I’m not going to change.” While flexing in the mirror. I mean, it’s good to feel good about yourself-totally, one should, but I also feel it’s not necessary in EVERY mirror. I kept a lot of thoughts to myself. I digress.
Thank you for sharing, Amy. What I find as I grow older is that everything takes a lot of work, especially things that were effortless before, like friendship. It takes effort to not be lonely, and maybe a lot of people are lonely because we don't work on relationships, we expect them to just happen to us.
I can understand that. I believe that people show when they are and aren’t for us. Are you getting out there? Showing up? We were just talking about a friend who would be invited but not go and they would do things but not invite their friends. I realize one of my safety measures that I wasn’t aware of was to compartmentalize myself, sharing only certain things with certain people. A huge part of this was knowing how people might react to parts of me they found as unacceptable and keeping them to myself. I didn’t love or accept myself, and I gradually came out as I kept finding people who were universally approving and loving and compassionate. They modeled what I needed to figure out to break through and leave my past life behind. I have integrated. I wanted to, and I often write about things as if I’ve already achieved them…which is what manifesting is because I’m a bit naive and easily overly excited, sort of that scientific, “I’ve got it!” And when I think I’ve got it, I share it. What’s truly helped is that I think totally for myself now, but I pay attention, and I don’t overthink. I allow myself to intuitively just know what’s right now, and I pick up what I need and leave what I don’/t
I find it really weird that men who don’t have kids don’t have friends. The coworker with a toddler makes sense to me. If you work a full time job (often working over 40 hours), commute, and then actually try to split the second shift fairly, it is difficult to get together with friends regularly and takes quite a bit of effort. If your friends don’t have kids, often you have to choose between spending time with your friends, at the cost of leaving your partner to care for your children alone for an extended period, spending money for a babysitter (which can be expensive), or just not going to the bother and seeing the friendship
wither. And it is even harder to make new friends, as that takes a larger time commitment. I hate to say it, but church is often the best way for adults with kids to make friends, if only because people meet consistently at set times and there is usually free childcare available.
It’s that- being hard to make em as an adult. When others have kids an you don’t, when you moved for work and have to start over, when you realize your friends from youth were the wrong people…
Yup, I noticed that too. I went to dance lessons, various healing courses and meetings, organized trips, painting classes, everything - almost all women. The only thing where I've seen more men was hiking.
The consequence was never natural - all of this occurred because of the lie of Capitalism that is seeded by Patriarchy. Both of these incorrect ideologies require oppression of everyone other than the male - often then becomes the wHite male. Capitalism further worsens it by oppressing everyone who is not the top 1%.
I agree, what I meant is that it's a natural consequence of the skewed dynamic between the sexes, fueled by the patriarchy, not that it's natural as in normal or related to nature.
Before writing this piece, have you talked to a man about loneliness? Maybe one actual individual who has been depressed and considered suicide and just had a chat? Maybe about male friendships or why that is difficult for many men.
Because I have, and none of this article rings true to me as a consequence. Or maybe it just seems key to modern lonelines on all sides that we have gotten used to talkin in broad strokes about vast swathes of people through statistics and unfriendly clichés. Can we just stop disliking each other so broadly?
Feminists really do need to change the name of their thoroughly corrupted and misandrist ideology to something like The Sisterhood of Eternal Victimhood.
Schrödinger's feminism: a woman is simultaneously a victim and empowered, until something happens. Then she chooses which state benefits her the most.
If a man catches a glimpse of a woman changing, she is the victim of a Peeping Tom.
If a woman catches a glimpse of a man changing, she is the victim of a flasher.
Of course the men aren't getting married. What sane man wants to be stuck with man-hating feminists like you, that could destroy them in divorce court on a moment's notice? Men are living full lives away from the cancer of feminism. The silver lining is that there are a growing number of women that reject feminism, and respect and value men.
Excellent piece. I recently saw a Gallup poll, I think, showing that men and women have similar loneliness, and it made me go hmmm. Your insight hits the nail on the head.
Of course, we're all lonely, men are just more vocal about it. Thank you for your input.
You make a lot of good points, Mona. I once read that when we’re lonely the person we most miss is our own true self. Works for me. When I am deeply in touch with my true self, I am rarely lonely.
I’m glad men are speaking up about their loneliness. We women have been given more freedom to express our vulnerability. Men were required to be more stoic. For years women’s magazines covered every facet of the female emotional experience. Not so long ago, men’s magazines were Penthouse and Playboy until Men’s Health hit the scene. There was also Esquire. Women have had more freedom to know their emotional selves.
Both men and women are lonely. Let’s listen to each other with respect and understanding.
Used to be that when women met, they sat across from each other to see each other and talk. Men sat side by side to watch the game or drink at a bar. Sounds like men are identifying a problem, the first step to finding a solution. Good for them.
The fundamental problem with modern phones and tech: it’s designed by smart men, like men are smart. But we’re not. Most of us are dumb and impulsive and immature. Especially around emotions, self-knowledge and sex. Phones, dating apps, porno, this live camera thing. It prays on dumb, regular men. The guys we used to call bachelors.
Even if they’re not boys anymore, they’re groomed as boys. These legions of dumb men are helpless prey and they treat the women they meet like shit because they’re all in their addictions and act like addicts do. The addiction is to sexual stimulation. These poor guys are your sons. And we blame them. This technology is anti-civilization and poison for most dumb straight men.
They’re not the problem. Human nature is not a problem. We recklessly let men (and boys!) become techno-porn addicts by the millions, all around the world, men (and boys!) at all levels of intelligence and maturity and malice. And we all want to insist (see: all media channels, psychology today, academia) insist the mainstreaming of porn doesn’t have consequences, or that they are unclear, when they are evident all around us.
The sex trafficking boom, rising domestic violence and public disorder, and negative sexual experiences and attitudes, the pornifying of the language and ideas of young men, people minimizing non-consenting AI “porn”, cartoon porn and fetishes are excused and normalized, sex-work” (ie. 50% trafficking and addiction) being work. As if honest, honourable men look at porn and pay for sex. Bullshit. As if ordinary women and men aren’t terrorized that any future partner has seen every porno on the internet. As if it’s fine for the blase perverts and stand-up comics and pundits to make a joke out of it. This cyber-sex and porno lure terrorizes parents and half the population, (especially young people) while empowering our worst impulses.
No media or journalistic outlet wants to touch this. That’s the problem. You cant be horrified at Gisele Picolt and child grooming and sextortion and also praise the people who sell porn to teens as a career. Like, half the women on Substack think making pornos on the internet is defensible. The technology used makes it predatory on teen boys going through puberty. Its insane. We are driving boys insane. They dont need this “entertainment”. Gross.
Where has the media been for 20 years? They are ideologically captured. By who? Not the patriarchy thats for sure, those old white guys want “porn” banned, even though they might have used it themselves. Its still evil. So who is pushing this being normal and blocking every attempt at device based age gating? There is no “porn” on Youtube. So google could block it with the touch of a button if they wanted to. Just like they do on Youtube. They just dgaf. Gross. Google and Apple and Pornhub and OF are literally evil.
Brian, I agree, porn is awful, like any other drug. But it works so well because it does respond to basic human nature and our constant need for 'more'.
As long as there are man-hating feminists around, there will be porn.
Zero connection between male haters and porn, Frank.
Porn is one of many antidotes to man-hating feminism. There have been surveys that found that large numbers of men would rather stay home and watch porn than go out on a date
Frank if you are using porn as an antidote to perceived "man-hating feminism" you need serious help.
Real men do not perceive "man-hating feminism"
I suspect your problem is that you can't find somebody willing to go on a date with you. You can change that by changing your behaviours and making a little effort to be a decent person. It is not rocket science.
John, you are a victim of internalized misandry.
Johnny, I'm gonna take a wild-assed guess here.
You just graduated from community college as the sole male with an associates degree in Feminist Men Bad Studies. The universe has a rock solid law that self-loathing male feminists are always exposed eventually as creeps who fake being an ally in order to try to get dates.
LOL that’s funny. I have been with 35 women. I vet them carefully. At the first sign of entitled princesshood - which is one aspect of feminism, I walk. We MRAs help other men find good women that also reject feminism and female entitlement. .
If you get prostate cancer, you will find that feminists in Congress made sure that there is vastly more funding for breast cancer than prostate cancer. That is one face of man-hating feminism. The feminists in Human Resources that openly discriminate against men is another aspect.
Hmm not sure how you end up there….feminism isn’t about hating men in fact, it isn’t about men at all. Women just want to have rights to their bodies and their own thoughts.
feminism isn’t about hating men in fact,
~
Oh yes it is! The #1 rule of feminism is to never ever admit this ugly fact.
To keep this misandrist ideology going, you need an enemy to point to. See those awful XY chromosome people? They are out to oppress us and worse.
Men are to feminism as Russia is to the military industrial complex, the perpetual bogeyman used to attract money and recruits.
As MSM demonstrates daily, women love to be told how hard they have it and that they are the universe's biggest victims.
~
CHALLENGE: Give us one example of how you don't have the same rights as men to control your bodies and think your thoughts.
Until you walk in a woman’s shoes you have no idea what they go through. But when the majority of women are saying it maybe that has some basis in facts? Sorry we don’t have awareness for prostrate cancer. I support men getting the care they need. I can’t be an advocate for that since I’m not a man. Btw what’s wrong with a woman wanting to date a rich, attractive guy or expecting their date to pay if they were asked out?
Body: women are forced organ and tissue donors to their children, at great risk to health and life. Men are never forced to donate tissues or organs to anyone, even to prevent death. We won’t even force a man to donate a pint of blood to save his kid, even though blood donation is far less risky and invasive than the 40 weeks of a pregnancy
Men aren’t turned away from hospitals to bleed to death in the parking lot.
The feminists in Congress made sure that there is 3 times more funding for breast cancer than prostate cancer. I call that hating men.
Looks like you call 'hating men' any small win women have, while ignoring the massive losses women suffer. All the feminine diseases that get ignored because they don't affect men, all the studies done exclusively on men, all the times when women's medical concerns are brushed off because they're just emotional. Typical misogyny.
You are really ODing on the victimhood, misandry, and androphobia you have been brainwashed with.
There is no way to get you to see the reality since you clutch your victimhood like Gollum clutches his "precious."
There's a fascinating phenomenon unfolding out there. If you follow social trends, you will have noticed a rising chorus of complaints from women wondering why men no longer chase them or even talk to them.
Two years ago, no one would have believed this could happen.
So, what happened?
Well, as someone put it the other day, men have finally realized how women have changed since the 1970s. Now we have narcistic, entitled little princess girlbosses who demand that men blow a minimum of $300 on them on the first date.
People can whine about porn, but everything triggers an equal and opposite reaction. We are now entering an era where men don't need women for sex with the advent of make-your-own-AI-girlfriend.
I'm old, real old, and was lucky enough to know strong intelligent and fair-minded women in my time. Today, I pity young men who have to deal with females whose minds have been poisoned by a toxic and utterly dishonest ideology.
The experiments were done on men, because men, not women, are human lab rats. “Massive losses”? Like what? There are 4 times more male suicides than female suicides, and men die at younger ages and in greater numbers from every major cause of death in the USA. Yet there are only offices for women’s health, but nothing for men’s health.
C’mon Mona. Who was it? (Lionel Ritchie singing alone in the back ground). You have been hurt…..😢😢😢
Sorry for misdirecting my anger about this at you. I honestly am learning how the internet works and I am so mad about this. I apologize Mona, sorry to spam you like that.
The tech is designed with our brain in mind not the other way round.
Thats the hook they use to weaponize it against teens and young men, yes. CSA. Sorry if I sound snarky. I need to find a funny or nice way to express myself on this dismal topic. Without bugging people. Hope you have a great night/day/week Thanks for replying : )
I think you've hit the nail on the head, Brian. We can't do all these things that condition boys and men to see women as sexual consumables at every turn, and then wonder why they see women as sexual consumables and lack healthy connections.
Your ant-male and anti-white-male bigotry are par for the course of feminists, Marxists and manginas.
If you get prostate cancer, you will learn that your feminist buddies in Congress made sure that there is 3 times more funding for breast cancer than prostate cancer.
I feel exactly the same way. Why isn’t this locked down to protect our children? Everyone looks the other way.
There’s no “porn” on YouTube. Except that asmr lol but that softcore common sense distinction is a reasonable place to draw a line. Google could effectively are-gate porn at the device and user id level. They just don’t care to.
Nightmare. But at least they are not men watching women. Thats a terrible dynamic. Thats the inherent problem
Thanks to the author. I am amazed more people don't see it: The male-female dynamic makes men watching women have sex inherently awful. Because of men’s inherent dominance/aggression and women’s inherent vulnerability, there is always terrifying potential for violence if sex is not loving. Which is what porno features. And its traumatic for boys to see women portrayed like this and appearing for all the world to love it. And in a sexual way that is totally mysterious to them. What a nightmare. It trains boys to hate women, to accept violating consent (theirs is), and to be voyeurs and tricks. It's so awful. Its's CSA of the boy consuming. (Or girl, but boys are wired, brains hacked).
Brian, I applaud you for highlighting the danger of this serious problem. We need more men like you speaking up. Honestly, this is such a huge problem and one that I know so little about that I have very little constructive observations to offer except to thank you for speaking up. The end result is awful for men and women, and the problem so pervasive that the implications for the next generations are truly frightening. I found all of your posts to be respectful. And of course, this practice of watching porn feeds into male loneliness .You have some very good ideas about how this problem can be addressed.
We talk a lot about consent when referring to women. When under age boys have access to porn sites,, are they mature enough to consent to what they are about to see?
Thank you very much for your comments. I hope enough people are aware of the dangers so that something will be done about this serious problem.
I agree that women shouldn’t have to settle for men that suck, and I have no desire to see us return to that norm. The idea that men have to be the breadwinner needs to be retired, as the trend of women being better in academics/white collar work isn’t going anywhere.
But what is the solution to this loneliness/matching problem? Since uplifting men’s economic value is not realistic nor desirable, social and communal value is the best path forward. My theory is that the average woman would prefer to marry a man who is passionate about helping others and involved in their community to a man who sucks but makes a “good” income.
Culturally and politically we should encourage men to participate in community building activities, where currently these are seen as “female-coded” and it is uncommon for men (especially single men) to participate. A political push to bring men into teaching, social work, or volunteering could be a start (think something like women in stem), but it’s also on us as a culture to not raise our eyebrows when a man wants to be a kindergarten teacher.
I’m sure there are better ways to update our antiquated notion of a man’s value (economic) to a more holistic and helpful (social or communal), but curious what others think.
Ian, you're spot on! Men need to step down as providers and embrace more diverse roles, especially those that involve soft skills and nurturing qualities. Your theory is absolutely right - most modern women would love a kind man rather than a rich man.
It will take a while for society to get there, but we'll have to, because with the current economy, it's impossible to have men as sole providers.
And remember there are plenty of women and men who successfully do (share) both.
Agee, it isn't fruitful to blame women for being better at academics and white collar work.
The solution is to have men understand why they fail at these things ... it is to some extent by choice and culture. They are brought up to look down on education and so they fail at it. There is no reason why they ought to, they just do it to themselves and let it be done to them. (And they will get very angry if you tell them they're letting somebody control them.)
Your points are good. I just think a good start is removing the indoctrination that holds men back.
I think men building community is a pipe dream at this point. That is traditional thinking. I don't think the average man sees any incentives in that. What is the reward in participating in community building activities? I think men used to participate in community building activities without encouragement from anyone. Let's properly interpret what men not participating in community building activities mean. Look at the black community in the U.S. and you can see where this train goes.
"Men need to be needed because they have no idea how to make themselves wanted."
This the catastrophe of the matter. Men don't know how to handle their own emotions so they rely on women to do that but their ego steps in as control demanding what they want from women.
What we need is to tear down everything men know about their masculinity. That will save all of us the burden of dealing with male entitlement and their subsequent abuses.
I agree, but they don't. They're willing to do anything but let go of toxic masculinity.
When ever I’ve come across content about male loneliness the guidance has always been spend more time with other men and stop relying on your wife for everything.
It interesting seeing that some people think repressing women is the answer because it’s not something I personally come across.
That means you don't hang around the ugly side of the internet, Daniel.
This is so smart. The way it’s put I concur. The mistake I made with my late husband and didn’t find out until he died was not maintaining personal friendships. We did at first—game nights and regular cook outs and cocktails and dinners out and shows with a couple of other couples, but then we had kids…and then we had death, and I had one friend who had four of her own at that point, then a pandemic, so I was totally alone. Then she and I had a falling out because she was so rigid and judgmental about some things I was dealing with, and I was lonely AF. I was dating someone, but that was a punishment in so many ways. But yeah—it’s healthy to maintain friendships and to also be present and attentive with your person. And to encourage their healthy friendships.
I agree that it’s not a man / woman issue—it’s just human nature. How we feel about it and if we look at us or others and go—why is this happening? I knew I wanted someone, so I’ve been working on me to be the kind of person to attract and be worthy of the person I want. I had a good marriage and a terrible long relationship. I figured out what the binding agent is. It’s you—it’s you doing the work. And I’d love to tell any man or woman who I’ve talked to about such things that they NEED to stop saying shit that ex did “this is who I am. I’m not going to change.” While flexing in the mirror. I mean, it’s good to feel good about yourself-totally, one should, but I also feel it’s not necessary in EVERY mirror. I kept a lot of thoughts to myself. I digress.
Anyway, I love your thoughts, and I agree.
Thank you for sharing, Amy. What I find as I grow older is that everything takes a lot of work, especially things that were effortless before, like friendship. It takes effort to not be lonely, and maybe a lot of people are lonely because we don't work on relationships, we expect them to just happen to us.
I can understand that. I believe that people show when they are and aren’t for us. Are you getting out there? Showing up? We were just talking about a friend who would be invited but not go and they would do things but not invite their friends. I realize one of my safety measures that I wasn’t aware of was to compartmentalize myself, sharing only certain things with certain people. A huge part of this was knowing how people might react to parts of me they found as unacceptable and keeping them to myself. I didn’t love or accept myself, and I gradually came out as I kept finding people who were universally approving and loving and compassionate. They modeled what I needed to figure out to break through and leave my past life behind. I have integrated. I wanted to, and I often write about things as if I’ve already achieved them…which is what manifesting is because I’m a bit naive and easily overly excited, sort of that scientific, “I’ve got it!” And when I think I’ve got it, I share it. What’s truly helped is that I think totally for myself now, but I pay attention, and I don’t overthink. I allow myself to intuitively just know what’s right now, and I pick up what I need and leave what I don’/t
I find it really weird that men who don’t have kids don’t have friends. The coworker with a toddler makes sense to me. If you work a full time job (often working over 40 hours), commute, and then actually try to split the second shift fairly, it is difficult to get together with friends regularly and takes quite a bit of effort. If your friends don’t have kids, often you have to choose between spending time with your friends, at the cost of leaving your partner to care for your children alone for an extended period, spending money for a babysitter (which can be expensive), or just not going to the bother and seeing the friendship
wither. And it is even harder to make new friends, as that takes a larger time commitment. I hate to say it, but church is often the best way for adults with kids to make friends, if only because people meet consistently at set times and there is usually free childcare available.
Church is smart - they offer people a lot of advantages for an easier life, the one you mentioned being one.
It’s that- being hard to make em as an adult. When others have kids an you don’t, when you moved for work and have to start over, when you realize your friends from youth were the wrong people…
Whenever I go to meet ups or community events it's like 90% women.
Yup, I noticed that too. I went to dance lessons, various healing courses and meetings, organized trips, painting classes, everything - almost all women. The only thing where I've seen more men was hiking.
The consequence was never natural - all of this occurred because of the lie of Capitalism that is seeded by Patriarchy. Both of these incorrect ideologies require oppression of everyone other than the male - often then becomes the wHite male. Capitalism further worsens it by oppressing everyone who is not the top 1%.
I agree, what I meant is that it's a natural consequence of the skewed dynamic between the sexes, fueled by the patriarchy, not that it's natural as in normal or related to nature.
Thank you
Before writing this piece, have you talked to a man about loneliness? Maybe one actual individual who has been depressed and considered suicide and just had a chat? Maybe about male friendships or why that is difficult for many men.
Because I have, and none of this article rings true to me as a consequence. Or maybe it just seems key to modern lonelines on all sides that we have gotten used to talkin in broad strokes about vast swathes of people through statistics and unfriendly clichés. Can we just stop disliking each other so broadly?
Feminists really do need to change the name of their thoroughly corrupted and misandrist ideology to something like The Sisterhood of Eternal Victimhood.
Schrödinger's feminism: a woman is simultaneously a victim and empowered, until something happens. Then she chooses which state benefits her the most.
If a man catches a glimpse of a woman changing, she is the victim of a Peeping Tom.
If a woman catches a glimpse of a man changing, she is the victim of a flasher.
Highest suicide rates in history is a myth. Everything is great.
Of course the men aren't getting married. What sane man wants to be stuck with man-hating feminists like you, that could destroy them in divorce court on a moment's notice? Men are living full lives away from the cancer of feminism. The silver lining is that there are a growing number of women that reject feminism, and respect and value men.
Men are not vocal about loneliness, you ditz. What are you on about?
Women are lonelier than men, but men love women. Women hate men.